LOST SPARKLE

Tell me i'm not wrong when i say i've lost my sparkle

The sparkle that i never even noticed

Till its not longer there

I scrolled through old albums

I tell myself in place of it comes wisdom

But who am i kidding

I'm as lost as i was then

There are bigger problems in the world

I know

But allow me for a minute

To wallow in self pity

Because i am an adorer

Of all things pretty

But in that moment of self pity

And exhaustion

And lack of motivation

A sparkle glimmers

In the corner of my eye

I turn and look

And there the sparkle lies

In the beautiful eyes

Of two little girls

And a little boy :)

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Disclaimer : This is a post i drafted in August 2021. Saja post lah simpan sini. Simpan dalam draft je buat pe.

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Benar kah kalau kita manusia yang bersyukur, kita tak akan ada masa untuk rasa tak puas hati? Takkan ada keinginan untuk complain? Huaa..adakah aku manusia yang tak bersyukur? Astarghfirullah.

The truth is aku takut sangat jadi orang yang kufur nikmat ni. Aku boleh dikatakan ada segalanya. Bukanlah nak kata hidup aku perfect, tapi sesungguhnya apa yang aku ada ni confirm ramai yang nak. Healthy kids, suami yang bertanggungjawab, stable job, food on table, roof over my head. So apa je yang tak cukup (yes, ada je yang tak cukup..manusia kan).

But semenjak lama sangat berkurung kat rumah (PKP), aku macam nickpicking semua benda rasa tak kena. Tapi kadang aku nak menjiwai rasa tak puas hati aku tu pun aku takut. So aku tolak dalam2 perasaan tu sebab aku takut aku kufur nikmat. But they say if you keep things bottled up for so long, will it not burst in the end?

So to which end should i go?

OF MY VALUABLE SUNSHINE

Assalamualaikum, last i wrote was almost a year ago pasal morning sickness. Heheh..

That morning sickness has now turned into a lovely little being named Larissa (Persian for Valuable)
Born in April, i never knew I am capable of loving another human being with all my heart. Don't get Ummi wrong, Laiqa. Still love you, will always do. LAiqa pun sayang sangat adik dia.

What's up lately?

Workwise, last June 2017 marked the third year of working in Sabah. And I've moved to another department. A much better, exciting albeit a bit tiring department..hehe..ada ja nak complaint kan ko dil. Tiring sebab the job is rather physical and jauh sikit dari rumah. Tapi I am grateful. I am no longer bored..hehe. Constantly on my feet and hari-hari kena study because it's way out of my league. But, the truth is I work best under minimal pressure..haha. Kalau high pressure I shut down gak..ZZZ

Rasanya macam lama lagi kat sini, since kami pun taktau nak pindah mana lagi what with both of us kampung pun sorang nun sana sorang nun sini. Kahwin dengan orang jauh, anak pandai-pandai orang tua kata..hehe (nak sedapkan hati bagi syiok sikit). Masuk 3rd year ni rasanya baru macam comfortable sikit adapt dengan life kat sini.

Just writing, for the sake of updating ;)

See ya.

BEFORE YOU'VE WALKED A MILE IN THOSE SHOES

Everyone fights their own battle. In this age of showing off everything on social media, it seems like the grass is always greener on the other side. Nampak macam life si fulan tu indah rainbows and unicorns je memanjang. And blame it also on your selective viewing.

So, before you compare or give advice yang unwarranted. Walk a mile in their shoes dulu.

Whats with the rant, Didil?

This bout of morning noon night sickness sometimes gets the best of me. And aku down. Seriously down when i can't function like a normal human being. With a toddler summore. Sedih tengok Laiqa nangis nangis nak attention, want me to pick her up, play with her. Rumah dah tak kemas as how i like it to be. All i could do is lay in bed and try to sleep off the nausea, if Laiqa lets me. And kesian my husband have to do everything especially cooking, and I've snapped at him countless times sebab stress tak boleh bau macam2 especially his deodorant. Haha.

Yang menambah stress bila ada yang say things like "Ala, banyak lah bergerak uruskan anak semua nanti tak la fikir sangat sickness tu". "Perasaan je tu, kena lawan sikit" Hmm, and i see you pregnant makan setong dengan bahagia sampai berat terlebih, boleh la cakap camtu. Bahagian masing-masing. Ko tak rasa ko boleh cakap. Maybe you mean well. Tapi, no thanks. Keep it to yourself sebab i wasn't even complaining to you. I was simply terbaring lesu minding my own sick self and you came and ask whats wrong.

Sekian la rant mak buyong. Bersyukur dengan rezeki ni bukan tak bersyukur. But i wish this phase cepat la berlalu sepantas kilat. Please, Ya Allah. Make me stronger.

THE SECOND YEAR

Assalamu'alaikum.

16.06.2016. Cantik date today. Which also marks the 2nd year of me working here. Boleh ke if I rant a bit here? Not to be ungrateful. I mean, I'm so blessed compared to 70% of the world (stats were made up but whatevs)

These days makin lama I get even more bored with what I do. Macam tak ada job satisfaction or motivation. Setiap kali I enter my office door this whole gush of depression would overwhelm me. Is it normal? I mean, all in all I've only been 6 years in service. Orang kerja Gov sampai 30 tahun semangat je aku tengok.

Sometimes rasa macam slowly semua achievement work related sebelum ni has dwindled to nothing. Datang kerja for the sake of gaji. Gaji pun simpan je only for absolute necessary things. Shopping pun tak de apa sangat.

Down.
 
On another note, today is the 11th day of Ramadhan. So, for now..am just going to concentrate on being a better muslimah la ye.

End of my rant. Must do something productive.

Selamat berpuasa. K bai.