LOST SPARKLE

Tell me i'm not wrong when i say i've lost my sparkle

The sparkle that i never even noticed

Till its not longer there

I scrolled through old albums

I tell myself in place of it comes wisdom

But who am i kidding

I'm as lost as i was then

There are bigger problems in the world

I know

But allow me for a minute

To wallow in self pity

Because i am an adorer

Of all things pretty

But in that moment of self pity

And exhaustion

And lack of motivation

A sparkle glimmers

In the corner of my eye

I turn and look

And there the sparkle lies

In the beautiful eyes

Of two little girls

And a little boy :)

GRATITUDE JOURNAL

Disclaimer : This is a post i drafted in August 2021. Saja post lah simpan sini. Simpan dalam draft je buat pe.

----------------------------------------------------

Benar kah kalau kita manusia yang bersyukur, kita tak akan ada masa untuk rasa tak puas hati? Takkan ada keinginan untuk complain? Huaa..adakah aku manusia yang tak bersyukur? Astarghfirullah.

The truth is aku takut sangat jadi orang yang kufur nikmat ni. Aku boleh dikatakan ada segalanya. Bukanlah nak kata hidup aku perfect, tapi sesungguhnya apa yang aku ada ni confirm ramai yang nak. Healthy kids, suami yang bertanggungjawab, stable job, food on table, roof over my head. So apa je yang tak cukup (yes, ada je yang tak cukup..manusia kan).

But semenjak lama sangat berkurung kat rumah (PKP), aku macam nickpicking semua benda rasa tak kena. Tapi kadang aku nak menjiwai rasa tak puas hati aku tu pun aku takut. So aku tolak dalam2 perasaan tu sebab aku takut aku kufur nikmat. But they say if you keep things bottled up for so long, will it not burst in the end?

So to which end should i go?

OF MY VALUABLE SUNSHINE

Assalamualaikum, last i wrote was almost a year ago pasal morning sickness. Heheh..

That morning sickness has now turned into a lovely little being named Larissa (Persian for Valuable)
Born in April, i never knew I am capable of loving another human being with all my heart. Don't get Ummi wrong, Laiqa. Still love you, will always do. LAiqa pun sayang sangat adik dia.

What's up lately?

Workwise, last June 2017 marked the third year of working in Sabah. And I've moved to another department. A much better, exciting albeit a bit tiring department..hehe..ada ja nak complaint kan ko dil. Tiring sebab the job is rather physical and jauh sikit dari rumah. Tapi I am grateful. I am no longer bored..hehe. Constantly on my feet and hari-hari kena study because it's way out of my league. But, the truth is I work best under minimal pressure..haha. Kalau high pressure I shut down gak..ZZZ

Rasanya macam lama lagi kat sini, since kami pun taktau nak pindah mana lagi what with both of us kampung pun sorang nun sana sorang nun sini. Kahwin dengan orang jauh, anak pandai-pandai orang tua kata..hehe (nak sedapkan hati bagi syiok sikit). Masuk 3rd year ni rasanya baru macam comfortable sikit adapt dengan life kat sini.

Just writing, for the sake of updating ;)

See ya.

THE SECOND YEAR

Assalamu'alaikum.

16.06.2016. Cantik date today. Which also marks the 2nd year of me working here. Boleh ke if I rant a bit here? Not to be ungrateful. I mean, I'm so blessed compared to 70% of the world (stats were made up but whatevs)

These days makin lama I get even more bored with what I do. Macam tak ada job satisfaction or motivation. Setiap kali I enter my office door this whole gush of depression would overwhelm me. Is it normal? I mean, all in all I've only been 6 years in service. Orang kerja Gov sampai 30 tahun semangat je aku tengok.

Sometimes rasa macam slowly semua achievement work related sebelum ni has dwindled to nothing. Datang kerja for the sake of gaji. Gaji pun simpan je only for absolute necessary things. Shopping pun tak de apa sangat.

Down.
 
On another note, today is the 11th day of Ramadhan. So, for now..am just going to concentrate on being a better muslimah la ye.

End of my rant. Must do something productive.

Selamat berpuasa. K bai.

LONG HIATUS

This is Jalan 5

LONG HIATUS

It was the rainbow with all the wrong colours
And the clouds the wrong shades of blue
There weren't any purple flowers
And so nobody cared or even had a clue

It was the road that seems so long and empty
It was an end that lacks a finite truth
It was the heart that beats a beat too plenty
It was the mind that always fails to sooth

Didn't have it in me to run
Didn't have it in me to give up
For every strength portrayed like a fire from the sun
There were ten million moments filled with doubt

But if you didn't love wouldn't you die?
If you didn't care then how would you smile?
Even if the world didn't turn your way
Do you really have the option..
To leave or to stay ?

'Adilah Razdwan

Some things are better left unsaid

There are stories. Between me, another human being and the almighty Creator. Sejarah hidup. It hasn't always been easy macam sekarang. Sekarang easy kah? haha..sekarang, Alhamdulillah. Pernah disakiti and pernah menyakiti. Ya, umur pun dah masuk late 20's. Lebih kearah 30an. Maka kisah yang tak sudah cukup sudah itu lah yang paling saya pakar. Ada hamba Allah itu sangka dia saja yang pernah sakit. Kisah saya lebih panjang, way even before mereka tu masuk UPM. Tapi saya bukan selalu bercerita. Sebab kadang bercerita lebih menyakitkan. It makes things more real in a way.

Some things are better left unsaid. =)

“Barakallahu laka wa baraka ‘alaik, wa jama’a bainakuma fi khair”

Peace!

*alkisahnye first time beli baju online..besar rupenye..hehe*

ISNIN BIRU

Direct translation.
Tak perlu diterangkan barangkali.
Sehari-hari berada disini.
Kadang terasa seolah kertas putih itu dihadapan.
Pen ditangan. Pelbagai warna.
Terlalu banyak mungkin.
Sehingga tidak berani mengekspresi jiwa.
Bimbang tersalah langkah.
Tersilap colour block?
Andai yang dihati cuma hitam putih warnanya.
Warna yang lain bagaimana?
Bakal ditertawa.
Lebih teruk lagi ada yang memandang sebelah mata.
Tak cantik pun?
Abstrak lah kononnya.
Seni jiwa lah agaknya.
Macam orang sakit jiwa adalah.
Haha.

OUR TIME IS RUNNING OUT

Man alone measures time. 

Man alone chimes the hour. 

And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. 

A fear of time running out.

The Time Keeper, Mitch Albom 

Do I fear time running out? As a Muslim, the significance of another birthday celebration is the marking of being closer to death. Alhamdulillah, another day..Alhamdulillah another year. Alhamdulillah. Period.

I am not in any way feeling morbid or harboring any suicidal hate. Nor do I feel like I am tittering on the edge of a cliff. But these words are simply reflections. Of the what used to be and what's to come.

For now..there are many firsts on my to-do lists. But looking it over, it feels rather inadequate as opposed to being in the late-20s already. Hmm, i guess 'being grateful' should top the list first and foremost.

Anyways, 4th October 2012 had been memorable in more ways than one. I learned a lesson, albeit not so valuable, but meaningful non the less.  To see what's right in front of me all these while. To sincerely accept, to keep my silence and to stop thinking about it..okay,that didn't come out right.. so it sounded more poetic in bm..heheh..the words went like this..

Ada kalanya..kita sampai ke satu titik..

Di mana...

Kita harus..

Pasrah.

Diam.

Ikhlas.

dan

Tidak lagi memikirkanya.....   

*percubaan untuk tidak memikirkan.hoho*

 SEKIAN. Assalamua'alaikum.

Words that had stayed with me for so long

Tak ada apa2 yang special. Tapi kerana 1st time saya baca bait2 kata dibawah, ianya dipost pada wall seorang hamba Allah, ia membuatkan mata saya berair. Because I know of her stories, i know of her pain.....

"Jika kamu memancing ikan....
Setelah ikan itu terlekat di mata kail,
hendaklah kamu mengambil ikan itu....
Janganlah sesekali kamu LEPASKAN ia
semula ke dalam air begitu saja.....
Karena ia akan SAKIT oleh kerana bisanya
ketajaman mata kailmu dan mungkin ia akan MENDERITA selagi ia masih hidup. 

Metafora semuanya. Tapi saya faham, walau ketika itu saya buat2 tak faham. Seolah2 tiada kena mengena dengan saya apa yang dia lalui itu. Tapi hari ini, di bulan Ramadhan yang mulia ini, saya tercari-cari sesuatu yang dapat menghilangkan kegelisahan dalam hati.

Saya nak minta maaf. Kerana menjadi seseorang yang terlalu mudah untuk hanyut. Terlalu mudah melakukan kesalahan dan berlalu pergi. Seolah kematangan itu terlalu sukar untuk menjadi sebahagian dari diri.

Hampir 4 tahun kisah itu berlalu. Pengakhiranya tak seindah yang dimpikan. Alhamdulillah, pengakhiran untuk dia nampak lebih bahagia dari saya. Saya doakan kebahagian dia, and with all my heart, i pray that she bears me no grudge.

*Gambar atas ni Ummi bagi, seolah tahu gundah hati anaknya*

 
 Apa2 pun, tak ada apa sebenarnya nak disampaikan. Cuma hal kerja masih as usual. Perlu lebih memotivasikan diri untuk menghadapi realiti. Keep moving forward =)
 

Lama tak menulis

Lama tak menulis.

Sebab menulis memerlukan masa dan juga idea.

Idea sungguh banyak, mencurah-curah ibarat air yang terjun dari Niagara Falls (budget pernah pergi, padahal hanya sekadar angan-angan mat jenin). Tapi seperti terjunan air-air tu dari Niagara Falls, idea-idea saya juga turut menemui masa depan yang tidak pasti.

Masalah yang paling ketara, would be MASA.. Banyak aktiviti kat kolej, asal ada weekend senggang would jet off to hometown. Banyak juga sebenarnya masa digunakan untuk mengarang blog, tapi dalam kepala saja sambil drive ke hulu kehilir dari point A ke point B selama lebih kurang 2jam ++. Kerana itu saya sungguh attached dengan Pinky Baby saya. Sebab saya dan dia banyak MASA bersama.

Malam ini bakal bersama Pinky Baby untuk mengharungi parit getir longkang terusan untuk pulang ke kampung halaman ummiku syg comel dan manja yang terletak kira2 5jam perjalanan dari rumah manis rumah. Tak sabar nak makan jam pelbagai perisa.

Anyways, banyak benda interesting nak post. Contohnya, No Bake Oreo Cheesecake. But those will have to wait..Selamat Menyambut Aidiladha and Selamat Berkorban dengan jayanya. Amin.

2012 budget.

Okay.so ske sangat feel like diri tu cikgu kan?haha. bile listened to budget 2012 yesterday. fine, aku bukan cikgu...T_T

anyway, tq mr PM. boleh la better than nothing. maybe this is also karma..coz, before i became a 'penjawat awam'..i don't give two hoots about the budget. Tsk.

If i knew then what i knew today, i wouldn't have lived like the blissed-out ingnorant i used to be =D

Banyak dah berubah. Umur pun dah 25y/o. Perlu lebih matang sebab nak ajar anak orang jadi matang maka diri sendiri perlu matang.

Anyway, nothing to write about pun sebenarnye. A lot of things going inside the head about the budget tapi macam can't find the right words to say them. Let's leave the bantering back n forth to the experts. *sigh*

He's only a man in a phoney red sheet

Hidup umpama roda. Cliche as it may sound.. I couldn't agree more. Yesterday you were probably right up there with those who made it, tomorrow you may not be so lucky. Today you may be riding so high, you feel like you're on top of the world..but tomorrow, it could all be gone in the blink of an eye.

I am not being pessimistic. Though i usually am..this is just a reminder. To always be thankful when the moment comes. To always appreciate those who stayed and helped you through it all. The ones who stood by you even when the going gets tough, so tough you couldn't even bear to stand. And to treat those beneath you, for the time being, with the respect they deserve. Be kind to those you meet on your way up, because you might just meet them on your way down. Most importantly, stay close to Allah especially during time of success..just as much as you would during your time of distress. Just stay grounded when you sit high up on your pedestal. Don't let the arrogance of winning it all cloud all resemblance of the lovable person you used to be.


No one is invincible. No one. Not even you, Superman =)

Life in general...

..is never fair. So, it's up to you to either make it or break it. Enough said.

procastination is the thief of time

assalamu'alaikum n salam satu malaysia.

many things to do..but procrastinating has always won.hands down!
i have done something very absolutely stupid.

on my first driving trip ever from sabak bernam to home. i have decided to take a detour to klia n nilai. so, what was suppose to be a 2hour trip home..became a friggin 5 hour trip!

*ada mulut someone tu masin*

to top it off, had to stop for gas twice when money in purse was bordering on kemiskinan tegar.

owh, i have a blog under blogspot rupanya =)

so...should i or should i not blog?

*monolog luaran*